3 Surprising Downsides to Distance Running

People get addicted to running because of all its positive mental and physical effects. But like any addiction, there are certain inevitable downsides that addicts are usually happy to forget. I'm going to call these downsides "track" marks, because I love puns and, consequently, hate humor.

As I look back on my year of running, I've noticed a few of these "track" marks sneaking around my day to day life. They're hard to spot because running is so great. Runners love that high so much that they're willing to do accept some crazy things to get another hit. Like...

1. Laundry starts to take over your life.

Full disclosure: I'm a sweater. I sweat when it's cold, I sweat when it's warm, and I especially sweat when I run. It can get a little gross.

Only slightly exaggerated

This means that, when I get home from a run, my clothes are wet and smell like the briny underside of a pirate ship. Not that I really know what that smells like.

And you can't just put those clothes in the hamper. They're a wet and sopping mess, and being crumpled in a hamper just means that they'll stay wet and continue to get smellier as you pile more dirty laundry on top of them.

And you can't really hang them out to dry, because wherever you choose to hang them will automatically become the smelliest room in your house.

Outside is also not really an option.

My solution? I shower with them. Doesn't stop them from being wet, but at least it kills the smell. Somewhat.

2. You develop very specific muscle groups

Running is great for cardiovascular health, but it's not a sport that focuses on building muscle. But if you do it long enough, your legs will inevitably begin to get bulkier. And hey, I'm not complaining about that. I'm complaining about how awkward it is when only one half of your body gets developed muscle.

I feel like my body had a decision to make concerning losing torso fat, and that decision was to add more muscle to the legs to compensate. I wish I could flip that decision, and have my body just lose the flab rather than compensate for it with more muscle.

Now that I think about it, why can't we have more say over these seemingly arbitrary decisions our body makes? I would like a preferences menu for my body. Science, get on that.

3. Days you don't run will ruin you

Here's the kicker about being addicting to running: withdrawal is very real. And like a drug or alcohol addiction, if it dominates your life the withdrawal starts fast and hard.

I didn't know what was wrong on my rest days at first. Everything just felt off. As the day wears on, I wear down until I feel like a deflated mess.

Again, not much exaggeration

Even though it can be hard to do, and even though it will exhaust you, not having running in your life is like suddenly being separated from a long term significant other. You kind of forgot how to function without them. Of course, it was just my body missing the big package of endorphins running lovingly delivers, but the reality of that can be just depressing. What if I get injured? What if I get sick? What if I join a cult that expressly forbids running?

Running is so great that it holds a lot of importance in my life, and anything that has that much importance also has the power to get away with things and potentially hurt you. In that way, maybe it's better to think of it like a long term relationship rather than an addictive drug. Ultimately, it does build you up over time, rather than tear you down. And it's also worth the risk of withdrawal, or weird bodily development, or smelly clothes. Just like a real relationship, right?

Right?

A Runner's Roundup for May 28, 2014

Below: The Truth About Running. My name is A Runner's Journal, and I have a problem. Whew! That's the hardest part, right? (via +BYUtv)

Should ultra-marathoners be good Samaritans? Jesus would say yes. But then, Jesus wasn't an ultra-marathoner, was he? (via Running Down the Law)

Foam rolling techniques from a massage therapist. Very good. Here's a technique from a non-massage therapist: use two foam rollers as giant swords and fight with your friend. (via +Fitocracy)

Uh oh. Are they planning a Star Wars marathon? AND WILL THE OFFICIAL DISTANCE BE TWELVE PARSECS?! (via +We Run Disney)

Popular fitness app is selling their users' data points. My fitness app could sell my data points to Guinness under the suggested title, "Slowest Man Alive Runs." (via +TUAW)

A woman from Texas is running across Spain. Why not just run across Texas? It's probably bigger. (via Running Long)

A man is setting a running streak of 16,438 days. Not that I'm doubting it at all, but what organization even keeps track of something like that? How is it even verified? (via +Los Angeles Times)

Ultra-marathon training camp set to open in Kenya. "We're hoping for the first time," says an investor, "to associate Kenya with running. Kenyans are seen as a non-running group in general. We're going to change that." (via +Thrive Sports)

That Time I Was Attacked by a Freaking Swan

Runner's face obstacles when they run. Most of the really difficult obstacles are internal and personal: an injury, trouble finding motivation, trouble finding time, etc. But other times, obstacles are external.

And wow, there can be a lot of them.

Okay, in real life, there aren't as many Goombas.

If you run a path every day, part of being good at the sport means adapting quickly. There isn't a field or stadium for distance runners. The world is where you run. Because of that, you can never quite predict what sort of issues might plague your run any given day.

Once, for example, a bike race coincided with part (most) of my run. Did I wake up that morning thinking that my run would involve 3300 bikers who are physically incapable of saying, "On your left," blasting past your shoulder at 30 miles per second?

No. No I did not.

Did I wake up another morning and think I would be running past two men having a fist fight over what I can only assume is a volleyball game gone awry? Did I know that fistfight would suddenly coincide with my path?

Again, nope. Not at all.

There are some obstacles you expect to encounter as a runner. One big issue for the running community? Dogs. People don't always leash their dogs, and some dogs don't always like to act reasonably when they see people running toward or away from them. As a runner, you kind of have to be doing one or the other.

To be honest, though, I've never had a big problem with dogs. In fact, up until this week, I had never had animals bother me at all during a run.

Until this god damn swan.

I run along the north branch of the Chicago river for most of my run. Aside from the occasionally overwhelming poop-smell, it's kind of nice. Sometimes I will see ducks and swans hanging out along the banks. I'm cool with them. Up until the swan, I always felt waterfowl and I had a mutual respect for each other.

Full disclosure: we're best friends.

One morning, I spotted a swan hanging out right beside the path, and it seemed to be waiting for trouble.

I should have known that this swan WAS trouble.

As I ran past, I suddenly heard a wild flapping behind me. That noise was accompanied by another, a terrifyingly guttural and alien chirping and...glugging. It sounded like Satan's toilet struggling to flush. It instantly became the most terrifying sound I had ever heard.

I chanced a look back, and what I saw was the pure, unadulterated fury of this swan as it swept towards me with no swan like grace, it's head and neck swinging violently as this hellish scream escaped its snapping maw.

The message was clear: this was his path now. This was his house now.

I responded with similar grace.

I ran, and now I don't run past that stretch of path without thinking of that god damn swan. Which, I'm sure, is exactly what he wanted. Clearly there must have been a nest nearby. That, or that swan was just tired of all us jogger and bikers stepping on his turf.

I've learned since that swans are officially under the protection of the Queen of England. Having been on the receiving end of that swan's fury, I know the truth. She doesn't protect them. They protect her. They don't need any help looking after themselves.

Respect, swan-bro. Please don't attack me again.

A Runner's Roundup for May 21, 2014

The scientific case against those toe-running-glove-shoe things. Interesting and all, but do you really need science to tell you not to wear foot gloves? (via Regressing)

How to donate blood as a runner. Pshaw. I hardly even use my blood when I run anyway. (via +The Globe and Mail)

A woman is running the Tour de France route. In response, I think Lance Armstrong should bike a marathon. (via Zoe Goes Running)

How does sleeping in running gear motivate you? Don't sleep in your shoes, though! (via The Undeniable Ruth)

Check out the world's largest half marathon? I wonder what the world's longest half marathon is? (via Goteborgs Varvet)

Why strength training is important for runners. You know what else is important for runners? Emotional strength training. Life can be hard, guys. (via +Setanta College)

Hurdle crash GIFS! That kid at the front? Doesn't even care. (via +Daily Relay)

Below: a good example of why you don't celebrate too early. It's like celebrating your birthday a day early! No good can come of it. No. Good.

Suddenly, I Have to Poop; A Runner's Tale

Suddenly having to poop mid-run transforms a normal run into the greatest crisis of your day. When I realized the predicament I was in this morning around mile 2 of a 6 mile run, my brain entered a stage of hysteria usually reserved for Titanic passengers thirty seconds before going under.

And it's not like you can react appropriately to this terrifying new situation. On a track with other runners, bikers, and walkers, everything has to be internalized.

Me, internalizing

First, of course, I had to find out what was responsible for this awfulness. I'm only human, and like everyone else I can only move forward with a problem when I know whose fault it is. That answer wasn't hard to figure out: it was my fault.

So I know how it happened. Now, how to deal with it? Do I cut my run back? No, I thought, I can't do that. I have to be stronger than that.

But this wasn't an obstacle that could be overcome by willpower. This was an inevitability. This was an event that could only be dealt with one way, and I was pretty sure it couldn't be dealt with while running. But I also knew that turning around now and waving the white flag compromised my willpower. If I said I couldn't do it, I still had to run the 2.5 miles back home, and I had to do it as someone who already gave into this biological necessity once. What was to stop me giving into it a second, much more costly time?

As things intensified, I suddenly stopped running. Caught between fight and flight, I had literally no response. I was a deer in the headlights of a truck driven by pizza and beer.

So I made a decision: flight. Literally, flight. I turned and ran back home, cutting my run short and desperately finding the balance between speed and not further jostling my precariously full digestive system. The whole way, of course, alarm bells rang in my head. Meanwhile, my playlist helped out with a little song by Britney Spears called "I Wanna Go." Some of the lyrics are as follows. Not even joking right now.

As the run stretched on and my desperation grew, I began imagining scenarios of how I could live with myself as someone who pooped themselves in a public park. How I would dress, file my taxes, brush my teeth? What would post-poop me be like? I even found comfort in actively planning my new life as someone who was about to actually do this.

I held it together, though. The miles ticked by agonizingly slowly, but I eventually turned onto my street and saw my house. At this point, the phrase "This is happening," began repeating over and over in my mind, quelling the voices that warned someone else might be in the bathroom, you might have forgotten your keys, the water might be out.

I won't go into detail about what happened next. Suffice it to say, the ratio of crisis level to resolution time might be the highest in the history of all things. Two minutes after the pressure in my bowels caused me to question the nature of existence, I had pretty much forgotten about the whole thing in a wave of euphoric relief.

I will, I imagine, also fail to remember the incident the next time I'm presenting with pizza and beer the night before a run.

So it goes.

A Runner's Roundup for May 14, 2014

Did someone run the first 4 minute mile in the 18th century? All I'm saying is that if it did happen, someone probably said "Agast!" That's the sort of thing they said back then. (via +BBC News)

Caffeine can make you a better athlete. But a worse sleeper. (via +Vox)

Video about a pregnant runner. Awesome. But if we're counting food babies, I'm also sometimes a pregnant runner. (via +hoohbe)

Speaking of moms, someone ran for their mom on Mother's Day in a unique way. Yeah, but let's see what he does on "Second Cousin Once-Removed" Day. (via Zigs Pics)

Some students are running 100 miles in memory of their friend. (via Salem News)

Why do runners sometimes poop their pants? The real question is: why DON'T runners sometimes poop their pants? I ask the tough questions, guys. (via +YouBeauty)

The evolution of the running shoe. I prefer to believe running shoes were created exactly as they are today, and every old shoe was planted by Satan to test my faith. Teach the controversy. (via +Runner's World Magazine)

Don't be this runner. It's okay to stop for ten seconds and not die.

6.2 Miles

Well, I've done it. I've officially completed my spring plan to run 6.2 miles per day. And at this moment, two days after running my first 10k, I have only this to say.

Ouch. Ouch to all of my body right now. But why? I did everything to prepare for this achievement responsibly. I stuck to the 10% rule like glue all spring, but as soon as I first ran 6.2 miles I felt as exhausted and sore as used to when I first started. 3.7 didn't have this problem. 5.5 didn't have this problem. But 6.2 is some sort of threshold I can't seem to cross easily.

I guess that's to be expected, though. Running wouldn't be worth doing if it were easy.

It also probably has something to do with Chicago finally realizing it's not February. Things are hotter, the sun is sunnier, and humidity is humidity...ier. I finished Thursday's run with sweat dripping down to the backs of my knees, looking like I'd just jumped in a pool. I finished this morning's run looking much the same, but that was because of the thunderstorm I ran through. At times during my run, I wished for a bolt of lightning to end my pain.

Cramps everywhere. Difficulty breathing. The muscles in my calves and thighs aching.

As I ran this morning, though, I wondered how much of my toil was mental versus how much was actually physical. After all, I was only running 7/10 of a mile further on Thursday than I was on Wednesday. But since 6.2 was my final distance, I figure some part of my mind must have thought it was about time to shut down all my drive and motivation.

I like to think it was the "Douchebaggia Cortex."

So I experimented. At one point during my run this morning, I asked myself directly: is this only hard because I think it's supposed to be?

I tried to imagine not anticipating difficulty during my run. And you know what? Things became easier, for a while. I think if I could practice keeping that mindset throughout my whole run, things would be easier for me. The problem is that my mind kept circling back to the well-worn path of exhaustion. It kept telling me I was not supposed to be running, because, in some ways, I still feel like an impostor when I run.

There's also the problem of momentum and forward progress. Part of what made running those other distances easier was knowing I was building up to something more. This isn't the hard run, I would think, that comes later. Maybe all that anticipation was what mentally prepared me to find such difficulty with 6.2 miles.

You have to keep your mind on what's next to forget your current struggles, even though that goes against being mindful and yoga and all that. Maybe concentrating on what will happen is actually, ironically, I good way to lose yourself in the moment when you're running and forget what makes it hard.

So I'll keep working on not expecting my runs to be awful, and I'll keep looking forward to what I'll be doing next. I know that, in terms of daily distance, I might be capped out at 6.2, just in terms of the time I can spend running every day. But I want to take a day or two off once a week and then go on a longer run, maybe start with 8 miles, then 10, then 12.

A marathon is still my ultimate goal, though strangely, the farther I run, the farther away 26.2 miles seems. At my pace, that would be just over four hours of running, and right now I'm just over one. Craziness.

Baby steps, I suppose. I'll keep running 6.2 miles per day, and see if my body spontaneously combusts in the meantime.

You never know.

A Runner's Roundup for May 8, 2014

Thursday instead of Wednesday? What mischief is this? Sorry!

Five signs your diet is a "diet cult." Sign six: they advise you mainly drink Kool-Aid for sustenance. Red flag! (via +Triathlete)

Local races in Chicago this June! Bacon run? Bacon run! (via +NBC Chicago)

Runbell: a bicycle bell for runners. Now I can sound exactly like a bike, while still running at 1/100th their speed. (via +Runbell)

This past Tuesday was the anniversary of Roger Bannister running the first mile under 4 minutes. I celebrated by running a mile at almost three times that length of time. Impressed? (via +Wikipedia)

Army concludes that foot strike placement doesn't affect injury rate. Finally. Finally, the great debate of our time has been settled. In all seriousness, though, my feet hurt. (via +Runner's World Magazine)

Some guy ran the Drakensberg Grande Traverse. And unless he did it in 40 parsecs, no, that is not the name of a location in Star Wars. (via +Sidetracked)

Reddit's weekly running pictures! Winner below, just to give you a taste of what you're missing if you don't click the link. (via +reddit)

The CDC links Tough Mudder competitions to high diarrhea rates. WHERE DO YOU THINK THEY GET THE MUD FROM, SHEEPLE?! #conspiracysolved (via +Slate)

The English Major Mile

Okay, runners. Okay. I get it. There is evidently nothing that cannot be eaten or chugged during a mile-long run.

I.

Get.

It.

But you know what? I'm not that impressed. Drinking beer during a run just adds another physical obstacle. More stress on your body. Runners make a habit of putting stresses on their bodies. That's almost the whole point. Burritos are a weird stress, I'll give you that, but a physical stress nonetheless.

So here's my idea: let's add a mental challenge to these mile runs. We know runners have the physical willpower, but do they have the mental fortitude?

Quiet, Ogre.

There's a lot of ways we could go with this, but I'm going to go with what I know: the English major. I can think of one or two activities typical of that degree could add challenge to a run.

So.

THE ENGLISH MAJOR MILE

Ideally, this would take place around a track, with a laptop, two or three other students, and some professors (more detail on who in each step).

Pre Run

The clock starts. You have to write a 300 word essay about a poem with between three and five lines. The shorter and more abstract the poem, the better. A haiku works best. Only the author's name will be given. The runner will have to look them on Wikipedia for historical context, but then pretend they didn't by citing Wikipedia's own references in the paper.

*Deduct thirty seconds* if you make sure the author's Wikipedia entry only says that the author wrote this poem, and nothing else.

"Why didn't this unpaid stranger include all the relevant details?!"

Hand off the essay to a professor who has written a book on the author of the poem. Begin running.


Post Lap 1

As the runner finishes up the first lap, arrange two or three students in a semicircle. When the runner arrives, hand him or her a paragraph from an essay from a modern school of thought. The more prefixes before "modern," the better. This one paragraph should take up at least a page and a half of single spaced 8.5 x 11 paper.

The runner must read the theory and then lead a short discussion with the students on its meaning. None of the other students are allowed to read the theory beforehand. To finish this stage, the runner must be able to elicit one relevant question from another student.

*Deduct thirty seconds* if you make sure the paragraph is roughly translated from a theorist who also made no sense in their native language. Think Wittgenstein or Baudrillard. Why?

Because screw you, that's why.

Post Lap 2

Have the runner pick out a piece of pop culture he or she loves. It cannot be a book. Think movie, TV show, song, or video game. After lap 2, the runner will have to think of the title and abstract of a thesis he or she could write on that subject. The abstract must then be defended to a panel of classical and medieval literature professors who haven't consumed a piece of pop culture since T.S. Eliot.

Modern garbage

The runner can move on as soon as one of the professors admits that the idea "could work."

*Deduct fifteen seconds* if the abstract's title makes believable use of at least one semicolon.

Post Lap 3

Have the laptop ready, preferably already connected to a library database system that hasn't been redesigned since the mid-90's.

The runner must find five critical sources for the aforementioned thesis. They cannot read more than the first paragraph of any one article. Along with listing the sources, the runner must provide a paragraph summing up how the sources create room for your thesis in the "critical conversation."

*Deduct five seconds* for every time the runner chooses to just read an article's title instead of the whole first paragraph.

Post Lap 4

The runner must meet with the professor who has since evaluated the essay he or she wrote at the beginning. To finish the challenge and stop the clock, the runner must interpret the meaning (literally, if the handwriting is bad enough) of cryptic corrections to his or her paper, and then discuss plans to revise with the professor.

Revise, then resubmit. If the professor feels progress has been made, stop the clock. Repeat the process a maximum of one more time if needed before stopping the clock.

*Add five seconds* to the final time for every grammatical mistake in the essay, abstract, and improper MLA citation style in the works cited list.

"Your tears only fuel my rage." - MLA Handbook

Do that in under five minutes, and I'll be truly impressed. Do it in under an hour, actually, and I'll still buy you a beer, burrito, and glass of milk. Then we'll go running.

A Runner's Meal: It's a Little Chile in Here, and Other Awful Puns

A world without Fridays is a world I don't want to live in.

This past Wednesday, I made bean and vegetable chile from that wonderful Runner's World Cookbook. Full disclosure: I have continued eating it for the past three days. So the first benefit of this recipe is that it makes 8,000 lbs. of food. Literally. (I use the word literally figuratively here. As we're apparently allowed to do now.)

"Words can mean basically whatever you want now. Who even cares?" - the Oxford English Dictionary

Last time, I chose the recipe with the shortest preparation time, so you'll be surprised to hear that bean and vegetable is pretty complex. Well, as complex as chile can be, anyway. I wanted a challenge, though.

Looking over the ingredient list, though, I was a little worried. This recipe was for recovery, and I only saw one pound of ground beef for six servings. I'm a runner, and I need protein. I usually use at least one pound of ground beef per one serving of anything I eat.

The worst? Probably the one serving of yogurt.

But it looked like what the recipe lacked in meat, it made up for in veggies. Eggplant, zucchini, carrots, mushrooms, tomatoes, kidney beans. Loaded with the ingredients, the kitchen counter looked bright and colorful, like a version of Willie Wonka's Chocolate Factory where they made vegetables instead of candy. The version of the film no one would have seen, I guess. Anyway.

My girlfriend and I browned the meat, chopped everything up, and dumped it all in.

I was scared. I could barely even see the meat under that colorful mishmash. And since that colorful mishmash wasn't the result of a big bag of Skittles, I was doubly worried.

One broth later and, baby, we had a stew going.

Carl Weathers, eat your heart out.

Now the hard part: I had to wait fifteen minutes for everything to "mellow," according to the recipe. Mellow? Why mellow? Were the vegetables that angry? Does "mellow" mean something else? WHY DID I THROW OUT ALL MY OXFORD ENGLISH DICTIONARIES?!

Oh, good, food

I calmed down a little. It smelled great. I dumped some hot sauce in, and it smelled better. Then I ate it with some crackers, because crackers make everything better. (Except world history). One serving clocks in at a little over 300 calories, so I had a couple that first night. Not going to lie: it was pretty great. I will definitely be making this recipe again. A little spicy for my girlfriend, though, so be warned, spice-phobics!

Very healthy, pretty fun to make, crazy tasty, and you'll have enough food to feed yourself for a week.

Or myself for two days

Recommended.

A Runner's Roundup for April 30, 2014

Someone is building a better running calculator. Here's some running calculation for you: 1 Jumbo Burrito + 1 Long Run = 1 Dehydrated Runner. Fact. (via +Slate)

Runner's World gets ripped a new one for some decidedly un-feminist advice to female runners. It won't be running anywhere for a while. (via My Tights Won't Stay Up)

A heat map of running and bike routes across America. Come on, Wyoming, seriously? Florida is doing better than you. Florida. (via +Strava)

Why running is perfect for geeks. But what about the freaks, +The Guardian? What about the freaks?

Beer mile record broken in the video below. I had never heard of the beer mile before, so I imagined it was drinking a mile of beer, and I wanted to go to there. (via +BuzzFeed)

MORE stuff about hips? How many times can I say it, people? (via +Outside Magazine)

Why I love the marathon. Well, not why I love the marathon, but why Amelia does. I wouldn't say I love the marathon. We're just friends. (via Entirely Amelia)

Tackling the marathon with science. That's weird, I usually like to tackle science with the marathon. But only when I'm not marathon-ing science with my tackle. Gross. (via +Mosaicscience)

The Worst Run Ever

You can't always predict that a run is going to be awful. Seriously. Sometimes, there's no logic to what makes a good or bad run. Some of the best runs I've had have been after I dreaded doing any sort of exercise. I could be hungover, tired, greasy with last night's cheese binge, and congested, but five minutes into the run I'll be humming the Chariots of Fire song and beating my best time.

Although, maybe they were working off a cheese binge as well. I know Mr. Bean was.

On the other hand, runs where I started with ostensibly nothing wrong with me have unfolded badly. Leg-shaking, ragged breathing, blurred vision badly. 

Let's revisit one of those runs.

It was a hot and humid Chicago Saturday morning, about 9 o'clock. At this point, I was probably running about 2-2.5 miles a day.

I felt good. The track/soccer field near the trail head was buzzing with adolescent soccer players. The sun was bright, deepening the very unnatural green of the field's springy AstroTurf. I remembered falling on some AstroTurf when I was a kid and feeling like I was being stuck with a million nails all at once. I didn't envy the kids. 

Pictured: pain incarnate

I started running.

I can't really remember anything distinct about the first part of the run, which isn't surprising. I felt good, and I imagine everything went well at the beginning. Maybe I ran too hard to start. Maybe I underestimated the lateness of the hour contributing to the day's heat. But whatever the reason, somewhere near the end of the first mile, I was feeling something. 

It was indistinct to start. My run felt off, like a T-shirt you accidentally put on inside out. Everything technically fits, but there's pulling and tightness in the wrong places. 

My calves hurt. What? Why do my calves hurt? They haven't hurt since I started. I'm also breathing really heavily. I sound like a pack-a-day smoker after their first flight of stairs. Ugh, my shoulder now? I have this tight pain in my shoulder. Oh good, my neck is getting in on the action. HOW IS MY NECK HURTING TOO?!

System failure happened everywhere. It was like since my running muscles were shutting down, everything else in my body was shutting down out of sympathy. 

I was not happy, but since I now resembled the QWOP runner, I didn't really have the agency to protest.

People were staring.

Then I did something I had literally not allowed myself to do since starting my running journey 3 months earlier: I stopped. I ran off the trail and into the waiting arms of the nearest patch of shaded dirt. I sat for a while, pondering how my breathing still wasn't slowing down, and how I wasn't 100% sure I could move my legs.

But then that lovably indomitable runner's spirit piped up, and its squeaky, earnest voice told me to "Just get up and keep running! Every thing will be A-OK if you just try!"

In the background, a defeated-sounding common sense voice told me that maybe, when the vision is starting to go, you need to STOP and address the problem.

I stood up and shuffled forward into my final half mile, which included a lap around the track/soccer field where I started. Turtles passed me. Thinking I was a statue, birds perched from my barely-moving limbs. Gentle breezes threatened to push me over.

As I circled the track at a glacial pace, many players and parents thought I was a performance piece. Cameras clicked, the game stopped, and I watched my progress from somewhere outside of my body, thinking, This idiot could just start pretending to be a living statue and get some tips out of all this.

Fun fact: this could be a .gif, and you wouldn't even know.

I finished, though it was with the dignity of a drunk dancing for nickels. In fact, the short walk home did resemble the kind of stumble-blurred drunkenness reserved for those nights where whole bottles of things just disappear from your shelves.

That was my worst run ever, and I don't really have a lesson from it. Well, maybe this: it is admirable to continue on through hardship on your runs, but when bodily functions unrelated to running begin to fail, consider calling it a day. Tired leg muscles? Run through it. Out of body experience? Stop.

How to Incorporate Cures for Plantar Fasciitis into Your Everyday Life

It's Friday! You know what that means...

No, not that! Naturally, it means my readers are itching to read about medical cures for common running injuries. (Note: I don't have any cures for actual itches. Go see a doctor, now!)

My name is A Runner's Journal, and I have plantar fasciitis, or PF. There, I've admitted it. The first step is the hardest, right? Well, the first step is usually the hardest with PF. If you wake up and walk around with heel pain, or get heel pain after spending long time on your feet, you might have PF.

While the name sounds like some fanatical Roman dictator, it actually just refers to an injury in the muscles connecting your heel to your toes.

"Et tu, heel pain?" - me, betrayed by my own feet

PF happens for a few reasons, one of which is having high arches. I have high arches. My arches are so high, they served as the model for the arches so integral to Roman-era architecture.

Okay, I officially need to stop with this whole Roman thing.

Anyway. My PF started acting up just after I started running. I researched some cures, found some cures, and have been practicing said cures for the better part of a year now. The cures are straightforward, but I'm busy, and you're busy, and sometimes you can't dedicate much time to preventing PF.

So here's some tips on how to incorporate cures for PF into your everyday life. I'm not saying they'll work for everyone, I'm just saying they worked for me. And before, my arches hurt me worse than the victories of Hannibal hurt the Romans during the second Punic--

Okay, I'll stop! Jeez. Sorry.

1. Freak out your SO by sleeping with a towel all night

The first few steps taken after getting out of bed tend to be the hardest for someone with PF. My theory is that mischievous foot gnomes sneak into my bed and bruise my heels when I sleep. I'm not a doctor though. I'm just an expert on mischievous foot gnomes.

How can you make those first few steps easier? Before standing up, use a towel or something similar to wrap around the ball of your foot and pull the ends toward you, stretching your toes, arch, and calf. This will help alleviate the pain, but it will also require you sleeping with a towel, since standing up to go get one defeats the purpose. For those of us with an SO, this necessitates an awkward conversation about the role towels will play in your sleeping arrangement.

If you sleep alone, this solution actually presents a unique opportunity; feel free to name the towel, maybe give it a personality, and then enjoy late-night talks and early morning cuddles with your new inanimate pal. It's cheaper than a body pillow, right?

Right

2. Ruin the games of others by getting your feet stank everywhere

Massaging your foot also helps cure and prevent PF. But since my personal foot masseuse is on vacation (and my personal hand, head, back, leg, and shoulder masseuses just aren't up to the task), there are other ways of getting a foot massage by using a small ball and rolling it gently under your foot.

Don't have a tennis or baseball handy? No problem! Visit your local park and find a group of people playing tennis or baseball. Wait until the ball gets away from them, sprint towards it with your shoes and socks off, and then rub it on the underside of your foot while moaning softly. Get rid of PF, and make a whole bunch of new friends at the park!

Or jail! Wherever!

3. Melt ice with your feet. Drink water made warm with your feet

If you use the tennis ball approach but don't feel like the massage was ice-numbingly cold enough, you're in luck! Freeze an 8 oz. water bottle, and rub it under foot instead. Not only will you get a cold massage, you get to hear yourself make all sorts of fun noises as a hunk of ice is pressed repeatedly into the underside of your foot.

Then afterwards, you get a drink of water thawed and made lukewarm by your reeking feet! If that isn't a reason to try it, I don't know what is.


4. Hang off of dangerous places by your toes

Of course, there are other ways to stretch your feet besides using your new best friend Towel McTowlington III. Find some steps, and hang the backs of your feet off of them to stretch out your arch and toes.

Not exciting enough? Find other places where this exercise becomes heart-poundingly exhilarating. The edges of a subway platform maybe, In the middle of a crowded staircase during a busy commute. The roof of your house or apartment building. Or stick to steps like some sensible person.


There you have it: four foolproof ways to prevent and cure plantar fasciitis.

A Runner's Roundup for April 23, 2014

What's your perfect pre-run meal? I personally prefer a banana. That's one of the many things I have in common with primates. (The other is a tail) (via +Rock Creek Runner)

How to start running again after a long break? Slow and steady is the key. It usually is for most things. Unless there's a fire. Then, fast and frantic work best. (via +Outside Magazine)

East Tennessee man runs double marathon to benefit victims of the Boston Marathon. The last thing I had a double of? Burrito. (via +WVLT Local 8 News)

Simple but effective running techniques! My secret technique? I alternate my feet. That's left then right, left then right. It's working out so far. (via +Running Shoes Guru)

Races in Chicago this May! Go run, Chicago. Go run until you forget how terrible this winter has been. (via +Tracy Swartz)

Some pictures of an ancient running game developed by the world's best long-distance runners. My favorite game to play when running is 'Can I make it home before peeing myself.' I usually win. (via +Imgur)

A place to upload and find race photos! Great idea. Can't even be witty about it. (via +Bib Tagger)

12 things never to do during a marathon. #13: your taxes. Unless you want to be running from the IRS next. (via +Sports Illustrated)

Reddit's weekly running pictures! Runners sometimes run in such pretty places. Yesterday, I ran under a bridge and saw a crow eating a skunk. These pictures are...refreshing, after a thing like that. My favorite below. (via +reddit)

Notice the distinct lack of skunks and crows

A Runner's Meal: Hummus + Anything = Delicious

Happy Monday!

Running and cooking don't always go together as well as you'd hope. Yes, running makes your body crave healthy things, but running also drains some of the energy you need to really put effort into preparing a meal. Sometimes, I find myself just grabbing a loaf of bread and a hunk of cheese for dinner, collapsing on my bed to gnaw at both before passing out, mouth smeared with cheese and bread crumbs.

Just to clarify: I am an adult in the 21st century, not a peasant in the 12th.

But I have that fancy Runner's World Cookbook, and I had time Saturday night, so I decided to make a new recipe. A recipe, I thought, that will require skill, dedication, and commitment. A recipe that will test the limits of my cooking skills.

When the time came, though, I flipped to the "fast meals" section, found the recipe with the shortest list of instructions, and got started. Baby steps, okay?

That recipe was "Roast-Beef Pitas with Cucumber Sauce." I took a look at the instructions. Uh oh. This involved mixing things--it might not be ready in thirty seconds. I began eyeing the bread and cheese beckoning to me from the corner of the kitchen.

Those slightly moldy sirens

But wait. Scanning the instructions, I noticed an ingredient that the authors had inexplicably left out of the recipe's title: hummus. Why leave that out of the title? If I had any recipe that involved hummus, I would title it "Hummus and Whatever, Who Cares, I Could Smear Hummus on an Old Leather Shoe and You Would Still Eat It." And it would be the most popular recipe in the world.

So yeah, I like hummus.

The recipe is for recovery, which means protein in the form of roast beef. The previously-mentioned mixing was Greek yogurt with chopped cucumbers and dill, so not really that hard.

And as I worked to smear the inside of the pitas with hummus, fill them with roast beef, and smother them in the cucumber sauce, I forgot all about the easy meal option of bread and cheese.

That's one of the nice things about making the choice to actually cook. Much like running, once the difficulty of starting is over, it's actually kind of fun and cathartic to put effort into working hard. Although still hungry enough to chug curdled milk, I found satisfaction in filling each pita and arranging it on the plate for myself and my girlfriend.

Then I ate them. I ate them so hard. Much like a horse that has just bolted, I become blind and deaf when tucking into a good meal. It can be challenging to remember the specifics well enough to write about them, but I'll do my best.

Overall, they were very good. The cucumber sauce was cool and light, which is nice since Chicago has finally figured out it's spring and has been getting hotter. The hummus complemented the roast beef even more so than it complements practically anything else, so I was satisfied. And most importantly, the whole recipe only took about 15 minutes start to finish, so I it wasn't too much of a step above bread and cheese time-wise. But it was many steps above taste and health-wise.

I would recommend it in hot weather, but for lunch rather than dinner, since it is a lighter meal. I would also recommend remembering that if you can make yourself run, you can make yourself put effort into a meal. Sometimes it is best to avoid the easy options!

Unless the easy option is hummus. Then you eat the hummus.

Does Running Make You Smarter?

I keep reading things about how running makes you smarter and protects your brain from going to complete mush as you get older. And I don't disagree with that being true or that being a great thing. I love the idea that this habit is good for me mentally as well as physically. In my lifelong plan to become the Batman, I'm really going to need my brain and body in tip-top shape.

I also technically need no parents, but I'm willing to let that requirement slide. You're welcome, mom and dad. 

What I do take issue with is the purpose of articles discussing how running makes you smarter. Here's a question: who are those articles for?

First off, I don't think they provide real motivation for non-runners to become runners. I know facts and figures like that didn't help me at the beginning. Telling someone that they will be smarter in twenty years for something they're doing today does not make today any easier. You have to have a real, tangible, and pretty immediate benefit if you want to make running a habit on a day-to-day basis.

Those big mental benefits are usually long term, so they're like the finish line in the distance. You can't worry about that; you have to watch the path right in front of you and focus on putting one foot in front of the other. Expect nothing from your runs other than that you ran today, and let that be your carrot on a stick. Expect anything else, and you're inviting disappointment.

Actually, you can also expect foot pain. There's going to be some foot pain.

Who else could these articles be aimed at? Current runners, I guess. I bet they're mostly who would be interested in running research, right?

Shut up, Ted.

So why would we be interested in them? I know I must be getting something out of them, since I've featured such articles twice in my weekly roundup.

The more I consider it (with my big, running-powered brain), the more I believe that it's a form of indulgence and self-congratulation. None of us established running as a part of our lives because we wanted to be smarter currently or when we're older. Reading about unexpected mental benefits gained as a side-affect of our physical exercise is like getting two bags of chips from a vending machine when you only paid for one. I'm happy, but I only wanted the one bag. What, am I supposed to eat two bags of chips now?

Pictured: the usual level of difficulty I have eating chips.

Okay, lost that metaphor. But the self-indulgence isn't quite what bothers me, actually. You know what? It's a language issue.

Running isn't about being given things for free. You see an article titled, "Running Makes You Smarter," and you might think running just gave you a Christmas bonus of a shiny, new health benefit. That isn't true to the spirit of the sport. We dig deep for every step, mile, and marathon.

Running doesn't "give" or "make" anything into anything else; running is scraping a block of marble into a work of art with a paperclip, bit by bit, step by step. If you are smarter or faster or more motivated or better organized, it is not because running gave it to you, it is because you are making yourself into a work of art.

So to answer my title: no. You do it yourself.