Friday, July 18, 2014

How I Got Way Too High in Colorado

When I stepped out to run on Colorado 7, a long and lonely highway winding through the Rocky Mountains at an altitude of roughly 7,500 feet, I was confident. Gone was the low-altitude humidity that stifled my breath and slicked my skin with sweat at lower altitudes. Gone was the 90 degree heat that sapped my energy and slowed my pace.

Here, with Indian Paintbrushes gently swaying at my feet and green pines lining the highway, it was a cool 70 degrees. The air was crisp and clean. Sure, the road was a bit steeper than my routes in Illinois, but I could cope with that. And while I was aware of those things called “altitude sickness” and “oxygen deprivation,” neither ideas were really bothering me at that moment. I was brazenly confident, almost giddy, in expectation of having a great run.

Some of that giddy confidence, of course, was most likely the result of a lack of oxygen flow to my brain.

An oxygen-deprived world can be a magical, wonderful place.

As I found out at around the fifth step of my run that day, a drastic altitude change is something that really does affect exercise, especially cardiovascular exercise, in a big way. While some might come to the realization using logic and prepare accordingly, I learned using a method some call “the hard way.”

Pictured: the hard way.

Running at high altitude limits your oxygen, which puts a lot of strain on your heart, lungs, and muscles. All three of which, as it turns out, were very important to my ability to run successfully that day. I’m not super aware of the science, so I’ll put it in more literal terms:

Running at high altitude LITERALLY makes you feel like you’re missing a lung. For those of you who are unfamiliar, I’ve made a handy chart:

So when I turned around to go home, barely a mile into my run, I adopted the form most runners are familiar with from when a run is going very, very badly. I shuffled forward, barely lifting my feet, at about the speed of an octogenarian heading to dinner in a nursing home when their least favorite meal is being served. My head was bowed and my shoulders were hunched in exhaustion, but I kept the last defiant stance of any runner who just won’t quit: my forearms remained bent at the elbows, despite the fact that I was moving between zero and one mile per hour.

Wild bears approached me, assumed I was playing dead, and politely retreated into the forest. Grass, long deprived of sunlight by my passing shadow, browned and died. My leg muscles atrophied and were revived with every step. And still I gasped for air, my heart thudding wildly in my chest.

Now I truly understand why the Olympic athletes train at higher altitudes. It is so much harder than running where there is oxygen aplenty. But running with low oxygen is like getting a sports car that usually takes premium gas to run on Mike’s Hard Lemonade. If you can modify the engine to get fuel from that, just imagine its performance when you give it the good stuff again.

I, however, am not an Olympic athlete. I was just on vacation in Colorado. So I did not run very frequently while I was there. If you ever want to run at high altitude and have not experienced it before, like me, do yourself a favor and SEVERELY limit your distance and pace. Any confidence you feel at the start is most likely the result of oxygen deprivation.

And remember: the least you can do, no matter how slowly you’re running, is keep those forearms up. Even if walkers are passing you while you do it, you’re still, somehow, more a runner than them. At least as far as I'm concerned.

Friday, June 27, 2014

The Color Run Disaster

This past weekend, I participated in the Color in Motion 5k with my girlfriend, Kayla. It's a color run, and it was her first 5k. Our goal was to make good time and run the whole thing. Looking back, I have to laugh at our hopeless naivety.

I laugh, of course, to keep from crying. Crying multicolored tears.

I had never done a color run before, and the event was unbelievably busy. Thousands milled around the race area. Since attendance benefited the Special Olympics, this is of course very good. And, in general, I would recommend color runs to people who want to have fun and not worry about running. For runners who take races in any way seriously, however, I would caution you to stay away.

To clarify: a color run is where everyone gets bags of colored powder, wears white shirts, and throws the powder everywhere until everyone is a rainbow-smeared mess. But since not all the powder hits people, much of it stays hovering in the air, like an LGBTQ-friendly haze of mustard gas creeping through the barbed wire fences and over the muddy trenches of a WWI battlefield. When you run through these colored clouds, the powder gets in your eyes, your mouth, and, after a while, your very soul.

In fact, there are several moments before and during the race where you are specifically directed  to throw your powder in the air. But for a tall guy like me, this was not always ideal.

So after the first three groups of people were allowed to go, Kayla and I got started (this was half an hour after the official race start time).

So, here's why this color run was not good for people interested in, you know, running. First off, most people did not run. Those that did usually did not do so for long. Now, this would not be a problem if the race was at all organized to separate the running group, or had pacers set up. Of course, it did not. Because of this, half of our energy and time was spent dodging oblivious walkers who had apparently never heard of staying to one side. In fact, some of them seemed to have practiced getting in the way of people who needed to pass.

But the worst hell of all? The color gates. I don't know if that's what they're actually called, but there were four of them throughout the race, and each one was worse than the last, for two reasons.

The first reason has to do with what the color gate actually is. It's a ten or so foot stretch of path that is plastered in one particular color. A handful of people have thousands of bags of that color that they constantly beam people with as they pass. As a result, the color gate looks like a part of the world that didn't load in a video game, so instead of grass and path and trees and sky, there's just a blank patch, one solid cloud of color that swallows people up. If you ever read The Voyage of the Dawn Treader, think of it like that nightmare-cloud thing that floats around the sea and is filled with unimaginable horrors. Think of it exactly like that.

The second reason is partly tied with the race's lack of organization I talked about earlier. There is not separate race or time for the kids; they run with everyone else, and, for some reason, being surrounded by rainbow colored clouds, free candy, and adults encouraging them to throw things has them all riled up. In the color gates, dozens of them sprint back and forth to get covered in the powder, forgetting momentarily that this is a race with hundreds of people needing to get through.

Near the end of the race, exhausted from the run and with our lungs probably looking like Easter eggs, we came upon the blue gate. I'm still not sure what exactly happened in the blue gate. Children were running, screaming. They flew through the air like mortar shells.

We barely made it out, listening to the faint giggles of the child predators that now hunted in the blue gate. We knew, then, that we had not made it out. We had been allowed to leave.

So yeah, our time wasn't great, and it was clear that the race was not designed for actual runners. It should be called a color mosey.

But of course, everything was for a good cause, and I'm hopeful that one day I'll be able to look at the color blue again without getting a panic attack. Small steps.

Wednesday, June 25, 2014

A Runner's Roundup for June 25, 2014

The First (and Only) Disneyland Marathon. I heard they thawed Walt out to run it. (via +MousePlanet)

Check out Oregon's "prison run." Wait wait wait: they're helping prisoners run FASTER?! What's next, tunneling classes? (via +OPB - Oregon Public Broadcasting)

5 tips for running in the heat. #6: wait until September. (via +Men's Health magazine)

Boston Marathon winner Meb Keflezighi will purposefully finish last in upcoming race. Ah yes, I also finish last on purpose, for charity. That's exactly what I do. (via +Atlanta Journal-Constitution)

Infographic that puts a marathon's distance in perspective.  They didn't have burritos in the "Indulgent Foods" section, so I don't think any of this applies to me. (via +Rock 'n' Roll Marathon Series)

Longest footrace on earth happening in New York right now. 3,100 miles. That distance still wouldn't get them to the front of the line at an Apple Store when the new iPhone comes out. (via +Sri Chinmoy Marathon Team Italia)

Barefoot running debate rages on. The nursery rhyme should be changed to, "And these little piggies caused a great deal of stress and arguing in the running industry. (via FiveThirtyEight)

Finally, below: does stretching/warming up actually help? I sure hope so, or I've looked silly many times for nothing. (via +AsapSCIENCE)

Friday, June 20, 2014

Running vs. Other Sports

Last week, I tweeted (twittered?) something that I have been thinking about ever since.

Many of my tweets blast popular American pastimes.

Is that a fair thing to say? Am I being a good judge of running and other sports? Was that an evenhanded hash tag to use? Questions like these plagued me after tweeting (twittering?) what I now view as a rash and immature tweet. Truly, I took my tweeting terribly too lightly.

So in my blog this week, I want to examine how distance running compares to some other popular sports in the category of coordination and grace. Keep in mind that I don't include most track and field running events as "distance running," since sprinting and hurdles obviously require an enormous amount of grace. Hypnotically beautiful grace. Grace out the ass, you could say.

I will be as fair and even handed as possible. Kind of.


Baseball, or "Yankee Cricket," is a game with nine innings, four bases, a handful of players, and lots of steroids. Invented in 1776 as a way to hit apples at the British from a great distance away, it evolved during the 19th and 20th century into America's favorite national pastime. The apples went on to become apple pie, most famous for being as American as apple pie.

Today, baseball is played in order to sell $15 beers and $10 hot dogs to people watching the game from a great distance away in something called a "stadium."

Now, baseball requires a lot of grace and coordination. The pitcher has to throw the balls super fast. The batter has to hit those balls, even though they're moving super fast. But not only do they have to have hand-eye coordination, some of them have to run as well. The outfielders run to get the ball. The batters have to run to base. I have to run and find a bathroom without a huge line after drinking too many overpriced beers.

Running only involves running. You have to have a good form, but nothing that requires the kind of coordination a pitcher or outfielder has to have when throwing a ball. Granted, I have only played baseball a handful of times. I can't really remember much about it, though...

I wonder why.


I insulted football earlier when I implied, via tweeting, that it required the least grace and coordination of all non-running sports. On the surface, this appears to be true. Football was invented by adding padding, helmets, and more breaks for commercials to a game of rugby.

The objective, based on dozens of movies I half-remember, is to have two lines of men hug while the quarterback fades back and throws a "Hail Mary" to a receiver in the end zone to win in the final seconds of the championship game. If the movie is set before 1980, the team's success should also teach their community not to be so racist. Oh, also: a player whom no one thought would be good should be good at the last minute, and the best player from earlier in the season should be in the hospital watching the game and cheering.

But you know what? I have to hand it to football, I think it still requires more grace and coordination than running. Football involves only short bursts of running, but also throwing, catching, and dancing after you get a touchdown. So again, you need a certain level of coordination to play.

Not a HIGH level, mind you.


Soccer, or "British Football," is a gathering of dramatic actors who chase a ball around a big field to distract spectators from their true passion: faking injuries. Now, I've seen some footage of these faked injuries, and I'm a little surprised the Oscars haven't nominated a couple of these performances.

Pictured: true dedication

However, these players have gotten remarkably good at the whole "chasing the ball around" guise, and I have to say that it must take just as much dedication to perform like some of them do. Not only do they have to run, but they have to do so with a ball at their feet. Everything runners have to do and more.

Plus, I've always loved soccer. It was the one sport I was good at besides running.

See? This time, I was the goalie.

So, my highly scientific findings indicate that while running does require some grace and coordination, these three sports require more. Here, have a chart:

Have a good weekend!

Thursday, June 19, 2014

A Runner's Roundup for June 19, 2014

A Runner's Guide to Pooping in Urban Landscapes. Here's a good rule of thumb: Clench. Everything. (via

An appeal for race directors to think of people at the back of the pack. It's a good point. I hadn't even checked my middle-packer privilege. (via +Patty Holliday)

Check out this country where jogging is a crime. Ironically, speed-walking is the national sport. (via +BBC News)

A report on the running industry. Participation numbers are high. One could almost say...a runner's high? No? Okay then. (via Running USA)

The Oatmeal's Do's and Do Not's of your first marathon. Comics paired with commentary on running? Crazy. (via +Matthew Inman)

How runners can keep their feet happy. They forgot "sandpaper away your calluses." (via +Washington Post)

Salads. And eggs. I eat one of those things a lot more than the other. (via +iRunFar)

Why I love running. So true. (via +The Guardian)

Friday, June 13, 2014

The Do's and Don'ts of Summer Running

Well, it's happened. It's the final, frustrating irony of being a runner in the Midwest, where it seems like we get the worst of all seasons.

It's hot now. And I wish it were colder.

I have just enough distance on this past winter to remember its low temperatures fondly as I now run, panting, under a brutal summer sun.

I have a short memory

Okay, I guess it's not quite as bad as this past winter. I don't have to watch out for ice under my feet. I don't have to cover up any exposed skin to avoid frostbite. I don't have to kick aside a foot of snow with each step.

But summer has its own hazards and important rules. I was running last summer too, but not for long enough to encounter any of the season's worst dangers. Now that I'm increasing the distance of my Saturday runs (10 miles tomorrow!), I've had to learn some hard lessons about what you should and shouldn't do in high temperatures.

Do: Wear Sunscreen

For those of you with a lighter complexion, any time in the sun at all ends up necessitating some form of skin protection. While a parasol and floppy hat suit me fine at slower speeds, running doesn't allow that kind of access to high fashion.


"It's fine," I thought a few weeks ago. "Most of my run is along tree-lined paths with plenty of shade, I don't need sunscreen." I realized, though, that even brief, intermittent stretches of sunlight, over a long enough run, are going to leave their mark. I also realized, once I had run far enough to reach a new section of my path, that there are long, uncovered stretches of the North Shore Channel Trail. I realized this after my post-run shower, when I saw this:

So make sure you know the level of sun exposure you will receive on your run, and get some sunscreen on beforehand. Or risk looking like that.

Don't: Wear Dark Colors

I remember learning about how black absorbs heat, while white reflects it, in school. Not in the classroom, mind you, but during recess, which at my elementary school was sometimes held on a blacktop parking lot behind the classrooms. In Nashville, during the hottest days of the school year, we all learned that lesson about colors the hard way.

The same rule applies to running clothes, so wear something light if you have it. Otherwise, you might end up like Jimmy. Poor, clumsy Jimmy.

Do: Have Access to Water

This one seems like a no-brainer, but I was frustrated by the idea of having to carry around a water bottle with me during my whole run. I realized then that it wasn't a complete necessity to have a water bottle if you could map out reliable water fountains along your run. Luckily, I have enough along mine to re-hydrate regularly. During the hottest parts of my run, when I've lost most of the 70% of myself that is water, this becomes a necessity.

I've also considered getting one of those water backpacks with the straws coming up to your mouth. They would probably be good for running, but I've also considered other uses. Namely, secretly drinking vodka while in formal wear.

Like James Bond

Don't: Wait Until Noon to Run

I know, non-morning people. I know that the idea of morning running is terrifying. But I think morning running is great, especially for non-morning people, because it beats the heat. Running in the evening is also a good solution, and most runners end up doing one or the other to navigate around their workday. But the weekend is when the longest runs usually take place, and it's important to remember and compensate for the higher temperatures later in the day.

When my longer runs stretch into the noon hour, I can feel how much more of my energy is sapped by the rising temperature. I've made a handy chart to outline how the sun's position relates to my general well being:

So if you end up running longer or going out later, pace yourself appropriately. It might be easy to overdo it.

That's all for now. Stay cool!

Wednesday, June 11, 2014

A Runner's Roundup for June 11, 2014

Running coach fired for running Boston Marathon. In other ironic news, professor forced to resign after sewing patches to the elbows of his tweed jacket. Then, goldfish plagued by painful old memories commits suicide. Elephant with Alzheimer's chokes on peanut. I end a joke before it goes on too long. (via Fittish)

Would you ever run a race naked? Naked? No. Covered head to toe in body paint that makes me look like a pear-shaped Mystique from X-men? Sign me up. (via Short, Round, and Fast)

Meet a man who went from a wheelchair to being an elite ultra-runner. AND he works as a chef. Inspiring! (via Micro Miracles Matter)

Wearable sensor can tell you if you're dehydrated. I understand this for patient observation, but do you know what else tells athletes they're dehydrated? Their bodies. In, like, a million different ways. (via +Engadget)

A women and 26 other college students will run 4,000 miles in support of cancer research. (via +Last Word On Sports)

Lessons Track could learn from Baseball. I think we could also learn a lesson from figure skating and add more glitter to our running clothes. Just saying. (via +Phoebe Wright)

John "The Penguin" Bingham announced retirement. Bruce "The Batman" Wayne remains suspicious. (via +Runner's World Magazine)

The People Who Can't Not Run. Authored by the lady who doesn't love to not use double negatives. (via +The Atlantic)